Today’s post is actually named after a blog post that I recently read. I’ve been so obsessed (and it’s not an understatement) with health blogs, fitness articles/books/magazines and counting calories that I haven’t taken the time to figure out what else is going on beneath the surface. I can’t focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. In fact, I’m only 3 sentences into this post and I’ve already been distracted several times. My mind races wondering what my future hold from how I’ll pay my next car payment, to possibly going back to school, what went wrong in past relationships, if I will end up alone, if anything or anyone will ever make me happy, make me content. I used to think that all I wanted was to be married and have my own family. And I’m not saying that I don’t want those things now, but I was just in love with the IDEA of those things. I need to have the man in my life that loves me (and of course that I can love in return). That’s the only thing that really matters to me at this point. I want to love someone. It’s the only thing that has the power to make me feel valuable. I was in an off and on relationship for 8 years. That’s right, although I am only 27 year old, I was involved with someone for that long. He was the best friend that I ever had. He was the strong man in my life that I never had. He was the light in my life. He made me beam when I smiled. He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel like I was precious and beyond my weight in gold. He put me on a pedestal. Now, keep in mind that things between him and I were not always this way. However, while he showed me a world of love that I couldn’t even have dreamed of on my best night, I was not in the least prepared for this. I was so incredibly insecure that I made my greatest fears come into fruition. I destroyed someone who would have died for me. It’s the saddest thing in the world. I had no idea what it took to be totally honest with myself and the people around me in order to live my best life. Time has been a friend and an enemy to this heart of mine. I can only hope that time heals these wounds. I know that time has taught me a lot, that’s for sure. It’s good to draw strength from within. It’s good to learn and move toward being the best me that I can be.
xoxo,
